Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You are the jesus of drinking
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
