i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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