Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
ttyl tear gas
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
