Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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