he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
