Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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