I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
