note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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