I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
