At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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