Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
