I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
