You just made me feel so damn special
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
