Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
