He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
