I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
try to milk me bitch
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