Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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