U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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