theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
