His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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