She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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