Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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