In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
