i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
