I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
