she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
