this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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