Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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