first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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