If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
