Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How's work?
Spinning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
