I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
