24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
