Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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