I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
