The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
