I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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