All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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