david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
