I saw his package. It spoke to me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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