I need to stop coming to work sober
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
