When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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