Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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