I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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