I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
