She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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