She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize