hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
