At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
