I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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