Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
