dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
