K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize