The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
