You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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