so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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