I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
