A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
