She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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