I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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