im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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