At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
