i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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