The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
