I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize