she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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