Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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