mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
